he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
