she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
