im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
