i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
