Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
