My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
There r osticjed everywhere
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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