this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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