It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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