I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
