make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
