Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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