You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
