New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
