dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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