I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
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Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
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You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
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