you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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