So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
