Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm both gender and math confused
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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