Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
