Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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