I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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