He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Your penis caused this!
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