Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
