my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well I just put wine in my tea
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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