mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
