Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
