Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she woke up with a sticky ear
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My bed smells like the plague
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