do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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