I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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