i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
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This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
