you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
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