Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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