Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
