it's too hot outside to masturbate.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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