we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
