I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
