I think i sorta joined a cult last night
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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