if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
