No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
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I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
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It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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