Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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