i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
