It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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