My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
