Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
