he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
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i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
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literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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