He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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