I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
