my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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