just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
