Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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