I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
