Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize