I can text with my tongue
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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