Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
