I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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