At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
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Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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