I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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