Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
