So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
