I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
